And as far-fetched as all this sounds now, we'd not be surprised if things turned out even more strangely than what follows...
January
Garden centres have never had it so good, as politicians rush to fulfil ludicrous manifesto promises about tree planting. Unfortunately, a freezing January means that only the regrettably tiny handful of farming MPs are beefy enough to get their shovels into the ground.
February
Actors who have the temerity to be talented as well as privately educated are banned from the month’s glittering awards ceremonies, but a breakout category, #FloreatEton, honours Olivia Colman (Greshams) and Tobias Menzies (Frensham Heights) for The Crown.
March
An unforeseen Brexit glitch prevents Irish horses travelling to the Cheltenham Festival; Cheltenham being unthinkable without the Irish, the mountain travels to Mohammed and English racegoers enjoy themselves so much there’s a rush on long-lost Irish relatives and new passports. They might as well stay there anyway — they’ve not only lost their shirts, but their entire luggage on Ryanair.
April
Heavy showers swell the Thames to the extent that Waterloo station turns into a quay, but commuters are agreeably surprised when river transport turns out to be faster and more reliable than South Western Railway.
May
Sir David Attenborough, the oldest ever astronaut, launches his next series: Don’t Panic: There’s Life on Mars.
June
Devotees mark the Summer Solstice with the first ever vegan hog roast.
July
Biblical flooding plays havoc with holiday plans, but, in Surrey, wild swimmers are thrilled by the natural lake that’s formed in the Devil’s Punchbowl. At Wimbledon, floating white lines are erected and ball boys and girls issued with flippers; summer-sales bargain hunters kayak down Oxford Street to beat the rush.
August
The Proms programme is re-worked to include Handel’s Water Music, Britten’s Noye’s Fludde and Rubinstein’s Ocean Symphony. The Last Night includes a rousing chorus of ‘He gave them hailstones for rain’ and For Those in Peril on the Sea replaces the traditional Land of Hope and Glory.
September
MPs return to the House of Commons by coracle; Prime Minister Johnson is excused from explaining his Brexit deal in detail, but not until floodwater in the chamber rises to neck height.
October
It never rains but it pours: a Harvest Festival service in rural Kent is halted due to a giant, waterlogged pumpkin blocking the church door. The Booker Prize is divided six ways after new research warns that competition causes hurt feelings and unacceptable stress.
November
The US Presidential election is declared null and void after evidence emerges of alien interference.
December
Greta Thunberg arrives in Oslo on a sleigh pulled by methane-free reindeer to receive the Nobel Peace Prize on account of being the only person able to get there without leaving a carbon footprint.
Happy New Year!
The 15 best pictures from the National Trust's photo competition to find a cover for its 2020 member handbook
A beautiful image of a nature reserve on the Isle of Wight has won the honour of being on the
The best pubs in Britain for 2020 have been named — and the top two are within a few minutes of each other
The North-Western county has triumphed in the latest Good Pub Guide awards, with local pubs taking two top spots and
Six utterly glorious images of Britain's natural wonders, to inspire you and help out the John Muir Trust in 2020
The John Muir Trust's Wild Nature diary and calendar is filled with stunning images of our natural wonders.
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If heaven is on earth, it might be in this home with a converted chapel that is now a swimming pool5 Wood Barton Town House is part of an exclusive 80-acre development in Devon that also comes with fishing rights on the River Avon and four bedrooms.
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An Italian-inspired recipe for lemon-butter pasta shells with spring greens, ricotta and pangrattatoSpring greens are just about to come into their own, so our Kitchen Garden columnist reveals exactly what to do with them.
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Why it’s imperative that schoolchildren have access to art and design classesThe UK’s creative industries are worth £124.6 billion, but suitable classes are being stripped from the curriculum. Tristram Hunt, director of the V&A, outlines what the Museum is planning to do about it.
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The Country Life Christmas message by Revd Dr Colin Heber-Percy: ‘The most powerful person in the world’ is not an emperor, high priest or CEO, but a helpless baby in the arms of a loving motherRevd Dr Colin Heber-Percy on how Christmas shows us that ‘the most powerful person in the world’ is not an emperor, or a high priest or the CEO of a tech company, but a helpless baby in the arms of a loving mother.
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'Keep thy device clean': Country Life's Tech CommandmentsWe all use our phones too much. The least we can do is agree on a set of rules for modern etiquette in a digital age.
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10 ways to save the planet, according to Country LifeThere are many practical ways in which we–individuals, groups and Government–can make a difference to our planet, both locally and nationally. As the General Election looms, we present 10 areas where improvement is badly needed.
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Minette Batters: We need to trade on a level playing fieldAfter six years leading Britain's largest farming union, Minette Batters talks life after the NFU and why MPs of all parties need to take farming more seriously.
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British Library cyber attack is a wake up call to the cultural sectorThankfully, physical objects are safe from cyber warfare, but our cultural institutions need to sit up and take notice, warns Athena
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‘The love we share at Christmas is a refuge. It replenishes our depleted batteries and allows us to go out again into the world’: The 2023 Country Life Christmas message, by Revd Colin Heber-PercyA safe haven, a refuge for rest and relaxation, the place we feel we belong—the concept of ‘home’ differs for each of us. At Christmas, home is so much more than a physical location: it is all around, says the Revd Colin Heber-Percy.
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The true story of St Valentine, his legend and legacy of loveWhatever the truth of the real St Valentine, the middle of February has been a favourite time for lovers since records began. We take a look at the curious history of St Valentine, and how an ancient martyr came to be remembered as a champion of romantic love.
