Tiger's penis, baboon wee, horny goat weed, snake soup — do any of these unusual dishes actually have what it takes to help the wannabe lothario?
‘Take the womb of a hare fried in a bronze frying pan, add 3 litrai of rose oil then mix with sweet perfume, fat, excrement of crocodile, sap of the plant scorpion, blood red sumach, honey…’ As aphrodisiacs go, this ancient Greek concoction would certainly stimulate the senses. Although perhaps not in the way intended. Because when it comes to foods that are supposed to inflame lust and enhance performance, the list is almost endless. ‘A study of literature on the subject,’ notes the Oxford Companion To Food, ‘shows that most foods have, in one culture or another, been perceived as aphrodisiacs.’
They sure have. I remember a trip to Hong Kong, a couple of decades back, where I found myself in Kowloon’s ‘Snake Alley’, a tiny backstreet known for its reptilian delights. The walls of this particular restaurant were fitted with dozens of small glass cases, each containing a cobra, all of which eyed me with beady disdain. Once I’d selected my dinner, the furious serpent was removed from its home and languidly proffered before me. After I’d nodded my (terrified) approval, its head was lopped off, the body chopped up and simmered in a soup, as the bile duct and blood were drained into a shot of baijiu, which I had to down in one. The spirit was so potent that I could taste nothing but fire. Once I’d opened my eyes and just about recovered, the owner punched me on the shoulder. ‘Your lady very lucky tonight,’ he whispered with a lascivious grin. Then he pumped his fist, just to hammer the message home. There was, I hasten to add, no effect whatsoever. Just like every other so-called ‘aphrodisiac’.
Some ingredients do, admittedly, possess nutrients that may help the wannabe lothario. At a push. We all know that the Venetian Casanova gobbled oysters by the dozen and, not only do they look fairly suggestive, all soft, seductive folds of flesh, but they also contain zinc, which can speed up testosterone production. Dark chocolate is rich in a compound called phenylalanine, which boosts mood and, they say, the libido, too. Bananas are bursting with potassium, bromelain and B vitamins, all essential for reproductive hormones, whereas pomegranates have lots of lusty antioxidants. Yet you’d have to consume all of the above in such vast quantities that you’d eat yourself into a stupor — which hardly makes for a night of unbridled passion.
Every country and culture has its own form of ‘jiggy jiggy juice’. In Jamaica, a hearty bowl of cow cod soup is said to put lead in your pencil, the main ingredient being bull’s penis. Mannish water, filled with goat’s head, tripe and chillies, is another pre-coital favourite. The skink, that strange mix between snake and lizard, has skin that, once ingested, will release your inner Lionel Richie and get you going all night long. Baboon urine is a traditional aphrodisiac in Zimbabwe (good luck collecting the stuff), ginseng is big in China (both for its phallic appearance and reputed performance-enhancing effect) and horny goat weed, piranha soup and leafcutter ants (a popular honeymoon present in Colombia) all have their fans. In parts of east Asia, dog flesh is still seen as a potent libido booster, although its popularity is, thankfully, on the wane. I wish I could say the same about dried tiger penis, but there will always be some fool with too much cash who puts his own personal priapism (or lack of it) above the senseless slaughter of this beautiful beast.
Steer well clear: the ultimate passion killers
Garlic
Yes, it’s one of the world’s great ingredients, but there’s plenty of time to go big on the garlic further down the line. For that first date, you don’t want breath that will stop a charging rhino at 50 yards.Chilli
Again, one of the finest fruits known to man and often said to be an aphrodisiac, as it sure gets the pulse racing. Yet being drenched in sweat, as your nose runs and your tongue turns into a useless lump of gristle, is not exactly sexy.Messy food
However wonderful those hickory-smoked ribs may taste, a great gaping gob is not the most becoming of looks. Well, not for everyone, anyway. You’d probably best avoid anything that tends towards the messy or fiddly, meaning whole crab is out, as well as percebas (these Spanish shellfish tend to squirt as you reach for their meat), over-sauced spaghetti and an abundance of spinach or chopped green herbs (keep checking those teeth, kids). Oh, and it’s probably best to save the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet for another time.
Perhaps the only aphrodisiac that does actually work is alcohol, although that has rather more to do with lowering inhibitions than any empirical science. In moderation, it can certainly help smooth the path to true love. Too much, however, and it’s good night Vienna. Literally, as you pass out cold (that or brewer’s droop). In short, every aphrodisiac is best filed under the heading ‘wishful thinking’ — or the eternal triumph of hope over experience. As that great food scholar Alan Davidson so rightly points out, ‘the concept of a truly aphrodisiac food is on a par with that of finding a crock of gold at the end of a rainbow’.
So how can a gentleman use food as an aphrodisiac? Well, keeping it simple, for a start, each dish seasoned with the gentle spice of civilised conversation. Nothing kills potential romance quite as stone dead as a self-obsessed bore. One of the reasons I learnt to cook, after university, was so that I could invite girls to dinner at my flat and impress them (or, at least, try to) with my culinary prowess. I cooked everything from penne all’Amatriciana, roast chicken, grilled Dover sole and shepherd’s pie to steamed asparagus (obviously eaten with your fingers), boeuf à la Bourguignonne and gazpacho, with varying degrees of success. Whatever the outcome, at least the lady never went home hungry, but good food can only take you so far. Charm, generosity, good manners and modesty will always beat caviar and those ghastly chocolate-covered strawberries.
Having said that, a couple of martinis, served icy cold, will never go amiss.
Tom Parker Bowles is a food writer, critic and regular contributor to Country Life
